restoration for Monday

Do you ever have a Sunday night with darkness and clouds rolling in? The end of a long day, of a longer week? Does it ever feel like you have poured yourself out and having nothing left to give? That you need to be refilled, restored, renewed?

Last night I had one of those nights. On Sundays I try to rest, to take a Sabbath, and it was a relaxing one. My exhaustion came with the physical pain I felt once again in my stomach. The nagging, incessant pain that seems to always return. Like that neighbor whose dog barks constantly, daily. Then one day, maybe two or even three days if you are lucky, it doesn’t bark. And you are like, “Oh, glorious relief!” But then the next day the barking returns. Annoying, right?

Well, last night I felt my hope of healing slipping away, my joy waning, my energy fading. But the beautiful thing about the night? The morning is coming.

“Weeping my tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

And joy did come. Restoration, renewal, and reminders of God’s goodness, grace, mercy, and love.

As I woke up and took a walk down to look at the ocean, God showed up and met me, providing me with little reminders of His presence:

Three songs in a row on my shuffle about shining.  

His sun rising and shining on a new day. 

Warm summer morning air, fresh and clean. 

The smiling face of a passing stranger, contagious, bringing a smile upon my own. 

The smell of salty ocean air, beautiful clouds, and rolling waves. 

Stopping to smell a rose with the sweetest fragrance. 

A shirt on a woman that said, “Finish the fight.” 

A voicemail from my sweet boyfriend praying aloud for me. 

A new day, a new week, a new start.

Mondays. They often have a more negative connotation, a feeling of dread, of “back to the grind.” But today, this Monday, I am feeling restored. And for that I am grateful.

“You’re a good, good Father; it’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are.” 

“We’re gonna shine like lightning even when our back’s against the wall."

“Today, today, live like you wanna. Let yesterday burn and throw it in the fire.”

the pain of a heartbreak.

"Woke up this morning, and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak." - Ben Rector, When a Heart Breaks

Heartbreak. The first thing you probably think of when you hear "heartbreak" is most likely a breakup. But heartbreak comes in many forms... Illness. The death of a loved one. Even the death of a dream.

Heartbreaks. This world is full of them.

This week has been a long one, a heavy one, for me. Among other things, I found out a friend of mine from college took his own life. And then shortly after that I was told that a friend from high school had taken his life just a few days before that. Needless to say, this news brought up a lot of emotion, but specifically brought up a lot of emotion in regards to some significant losses I have faced in my life.

Do you ever feel as if heartbreak is somehow surrounding you? Like Satan is trying to weight down your heart so much that you begin to lose hope and think, "there's just too much pain in the world. It's hopeless here."
It's hard to not be overwhelmed by the pain, loss, and heartbreaks of this world. It's hard not to let those thoughts creep in...

But that's the lie Satan wants us to believe. If we start thinking that way, well, then Satan has got us right where he wants us - focusing on the darkness instead of the light.

But Christ came to be the light in this world of darkness...

"No shadow comes without the light making it's way." - Steven Curtis Chapman, You Never Let Go

God will never leave or forsake us - no matter how dire the circumstances.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I am reading through the book of Job right now, and talk about dire circumstances. This man Job was an amazing man of God, an upright citizen, a truly righteous soul. Yet God allowed Satan to tear him down - physically and emotionally - to see if Job would stand firm in his faith.

Job experienced many heartbreaks. The loss of all of his material possessions. The loss of his health. The loss of his entire family. He didn't "deserve" those trials. He didn't "need" to experience such heartbreaks so that he would seek God. He was already seeking God.

But there's so much more to it than that. There's so much more to it than us. Thankfully, in this life we don't get what we deserve. Sometimes that doesn't seem fair, but if we have two alternatives, I'll take the grace every time.

There's a quote I love that says, "Be kind. For you never know the battles someone is facing."

This week I was talking with some actors I didn't even really know when one of them asked me how my week was. And instead of giving the typical, superficial, "My week's been great! What about you?" I actually "got real" and opened up about how heavy my week was.

And you know what happened? It opened up this amazing, deep conversation, pulling in other actors as we talked - about pain, depression, faith, and heartbreak. I learned some things about these people I never would have expected.

You never know the battles someone is facing until you ask. Others will never know that battles you are facing until you open up. And you never know... maybe the pain you have experienced is so that you can help others. Maybe the heartbreaks of your life will be of encouragement to someone else who may be going through something similar.

People in this world - strangers you pass, acquaintances you meet - are going through some very real stuff. I think it's time we start getting real with each other. I think it's time we start opening up. I think it's time we stop being superficial and start being intentional.

As believers, we have the opportunity to take the heartbreaks we have experienced, the dark places of our lives and share them with others. We have the opportunity to empathize with others and say, "Yes. I know you feel. I have been there." And then we have the opportunity to share the hope that we have in Christ.

I read a quote from a Christian author - though I can't remember who it was, I will never forget it. It was this:

"Your greatest battles will become your greatest ministry."

(Sidenote: Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying the only reason we experience heartbreak is so that we can help others. I think God is always working in our own lives to shape us, mold us, make us more like him. I'm just saying that instead of keeping all our pain bottled up inside ourselves, instead of being "me-centric," if we become more "Christ-centric" and, in turn, become more "others-centric" we can help spread compassion, support, healing, and love.)

My prayer for myself, for you, for this world is this: that the heartbreaks we face on this earth would provide us with a beautiful opportunity to rely on Christ in a whole new way, to draw us nearer to Him than ever before, to knit our spirits together with His as he carries us through...

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." - 2 Corinthians 1:9

There's a lot of pain in this world. But take heart. For Christ has overcome it all.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

No matter what you are going through. No matter how alone you feel. No matter how much your heart is breaking... You are not alone. There are others who can relate to what you are going through. There are professionals who are equipped to help you. And there's the God of the universe who placed each star in the sky, who knows every hair on your head, and who wants to use your life in greater ways that you could ever dream up for yourself.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  - Isaiah 40:31

Ben Rector's song continues on with the following lyrics:

"This isn't easy. This isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus till you're here." 

The truth is, we all need Jesus. All the time. Even when all is well in our lives. But regardless of when we decide we need Him, regardless of when we choose to seek him, He is there, waiting for us always... to be our light in the darkness, to mend our broken hearts.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." - Psalm 147:3

does your "clean" diet cause cancer?

This is a question everyone should ask.

I didn't know I even needed to ask it until my sister sent me this article entitled:

"Watch out for this carcinogen in your organic food."

For me, particularly, it's the coconut milk and coconut water that really got me. I put these in my smoothies every morning and will sometimes sip on both later in the day as well.

That adds up.

This past year I started seeing a holistic doctor - truly one of the best decisions I have ever made. Not only has he nearly cured me from a decade of back pain, he has helped with some serious digestive issues I was having.

I have "cleaned up" my diet tremendously - ridding myself of all gluten, dairy, soy, corn, and grains (except for brown rice), and limiting my intake of certain seeds and nuts. I eat plenty of fresh, organic fruits and vegetables and lean protein. One would think I had an extremely healthy diet that would provide my body with the healing capabilities it needs.

One would think.

Well, like I mentioned, all those carrageenans are sure to add up. And while they may not be giving you cancer (yet), it's highly likely they are harming your digestive system - and therefore entire body - and causing any unexplainable digestive problems you may have. Especially if you are ingesting a lot of a certain item every day (in my case, coconut water and coconut milk).

When I first "cleaned up" my diet, I saw some positive changes, yet I have recently had some returning issues. Which is so frustrating. Here I am thinking, "Literally, there is nothing left for me to cut out."

Oh, but there is.

It's a little known cancer-causing agent called carageenans hiding in my so called "clean" diet.

I was so enraged by this article that I had this fantasy vision of making neon signs that read "causes cancer" and taking them to the grocery store and placing them in front of these items. I literally feel as if I have been tricked, duped, made a fool. I feel ignorant, regretful, ill.

I am not trying to be a drama queen. I am an actress, I know, and I love me some drama. But seriously, I feel so passionately about getting this message out there.

We only get one body. 

Here I was thinking that I was putting all good things into my body, trying desperately to heal my digestive system, and lo and behold it turns out I was adding to the issue, possibly even creating more harm than good by switching to "healthier" options.

Here is a complete list of organic foods with and without carrageenans. 

I believe that I deserve to know what I am putting in my body. I deserve to know why I have unexplainable digestive problems. And I truly believe this could be the root of my recent stomach issues.

I believe you, too, deserve to know what you are putting in your body. And I hope you will share this information to help spread awareness and start a reformation in our food industry.

I hope I live to see a day where we are no longer "duped" by corporations and unknowingly poisoned with cancer-causing substances. 
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when all is stripped away

Have you ever felt like all was stripped away?

I have felt like that during this time recovering from surgery. While my surgery was not that serious (believe me, I am not making a bigger deal out of it than it was, especially considering my 2-year-old nephew had open heart surgery... now that is serious), it was definitely a shock to my normal way of life.

Gym membership? Gone. My ability to exercise at all? Gone. Acting class? Gone. Piano? Gone. Guitar? Gone. For a time even my ability to sit up was gone.

All was stripped away.

I think of that worship song that seems so appropriate...

"When the music fades, and all is stripped away."

What is left when the "music fades"?

cut open to be healed

I've been thinking a lot lately about being cut open. Maybe because I recently had surgery. Maybe because I'm just morbid like that.

If you've read any of my posts about health, you know I am totally sold on holistic healing. Don't even get me started on Western medicine - how corporate it is, how people just want a pill for everything, how doctors will just prescribe that pill for everything...

But as big of a holistic proponent as I am, I do realize sometimes we need Western medicine. Like when you have to be cut open...

I had a hernia that could not heal on its own. In order for it to heal - for me to be healed - I had to be cut open and stitched up. Which got me thinking... Isn't that what the Lord does in our lives? Cuts us open so we can be healed?

"If you allow it, [suffering] can be the means by which God brings you His greatest blessings." - Charles Swindoll 

God doesn't create pain or trials, but he does allow us to experience them - to grow our character, to mold our hearts, to help us become more like Him. If we look to Him throughout our time of "being cut open," He will heal us, He will restore us, and He will make us new.

Just as precious metals are put through fire to cleanse them of impurities and to refine them, so the Lord allows us to be put through fire to cleanse and refine our souls.

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

The Lord uses our time of weakness to provide us with a new strength in Him. He is faithful. He will never leave or forsake us. In fact, the Bible says time and time again that Christ bears our burdens for us.

He's our comforter in times of pain. He's our protector in times of fear. He's ever present when we feel all alone.

"Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." - Isaiah 53:4-5 

What is it you are going through in your life today that feels like you are being cut open? Have you experienced a loss? Are you struggling in a relationship? Job? Are you just tired of it all and feel you've come to the end of yourself?

My prayer for myself and for all of you is that we will "greatly rejoice" in our trials knowing the God of the universe cares more about our souls than even we do. Yes, He loves us that much.

Jesus allowed Himself to be literally cut open for us. I'm okay being figuratively cut open for Him.

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a decade of pain

I haven't yet posted about this journey that I have been on over the past six months. It's a very personal journey, but I feel it's one worth sharing.

Ten years ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer. Just weeks before we graduated from high school. Just weeks after her eighteenth birthday. I was devastated.

Krissi was truly one of the most incredible people I have ever known. Her strength throughout her four year battle with cancer was inspiring. Her positive attitude, never once complaining, is one to which I aspire.

Despite the intense pain and utter heartbreak of losing a best friend at such a young age, I saw God work in some amazing ways. Krissi relied on her savior, Jesus Christ, for peace. And that peace she had was so evident and so contagious to all those around her that Krissi was bringing people to Christ just days before she passed away.

I watched her take her last breath.

I don't wish that on anyone. But as horrific as it was, I was able to see a child of God pass from this earth to the hands of her heavenly Father. From death to life. Eternal life with Christ. In heaven where she would experience no more pain, no more suffering, no more heartache.

Yet I was left with heartache. And with no way to deal with it.

I repressed all my emotions. Life had to go on, right? We had to graduate and go on to college. What was the point of sitting around crying about it, right?

Wrong. So very wrong.

Did you know that when you cry about something there are chemicals released in your body that allow you to begin to heal? Well, I bottled all my intense emotion, grief, and heartache... and they had no way to escape.

Until they did. Through some very serious back pain.

For the past ten years - the past decade - I have experienced an intense pain in one specific spot on the left, middle side of my back. It began shortly after I arrived at the University of Texas for my freshman year of college. I will never forget the pain becoming so intense late one night that I called my parents, tears streaming down my cheeks, not knowing what to do. And they seriously contemplated flying me home.

my view of the UT Tower from my window of the Pi Phi house

The pain wasn't always so intense. Some days worse than others. Some hours better than the next.

But it would always return. A constant nagging. I never knew when it would come or when it would go... just knew it always would.

Throughout those years I saw dozens of doctors and specialists. I tried chiropractic treatments, acupuncture, physical therapy, spinal decompression, got X-Rays, MRIs, had blood drawn. You name it, I tried it.

And nothing. The pain persisted. 

Until one glorious day when I found myself halfway across the country, living in LA, pursuing my passion of acting. A friend of mine told me about a holistic doctor she was seeing for some shoulder pain she was having. She mentioned something about how her pain was emotional and this doctor was a genius.

I wasn't really sure exactly what she meant by that... Her pain was emotional? All I knew is that she seemed really enthusiastic about him, he seemed to have helped her immensely, and I had seemed to try everything else I could possibly think of.

Bottom line, I was at my wits end. I would honestly try anything.

So I made a phone call and went to my first appointment with Dr. George Byrnes that truly changed my life. Before the appointment I filled out more paperwork with more questions than I can remember. I answered the usual questions about my medical history and my physical pain, in great detail.

But then there were some questions that struck me as odd. They were questions about my emotion pain. Huh.

The dozens of doctors I had seen had only ever cared to know about any physical trauma I had experienced. They never cared to know about any emotional trauma I had experienced.

When Dr. Byrnes asked me to tell him about what I went through ten years ago, my reaction shocked me. My throat knotted up. My eyes welled with tears. I literally couldn't speak.

All I could do was sob.

And that's when Dr. Byrnes told me that my pain was not physical. It was emotional.

And then he told me something that no other doctor had ever told me. Five little words:

"There is hope for you."

And then five more:

"You will live pain free."

No sooner than those ten words left his lips did I begin to cry a different kind of tears - tears of gratitude, of relief, of hope. Yet sadly, to my core, I didn't believe him. 

I wanted to so badly. But I mentally and physically couldn't. It makes me think of those lyrics from that song Light the Fire, "My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak." My body chemistry was at a place that because I had experience such intense pain for so long - more than a third of my life to be exact - that my brain truly couldn't believe that I could ever live without the pain.

But Dr. Byrnes confidently told me that I would. It would take some time. But I would be pain free. One day. And that was all I needed to begin my journey of healing.

And I am so beyond thrilled to say that today I am almost 100% pain free. It has been a long road to recovery. And not an easy one. It's one I plan to write more about as I process through it all. I have learned so much about pain, emotions, stress and anxiety that I could fill the pages of a book. And I still have so much to learn.

It has been a truly incredible journey - a journey I want to share, a journey I'm finally ready to share, a journey I hope will help others on their own road to finding healing - both physically and emotionally.

I think back to the darkest days of my incessant, nagging pain. I felt so lost, so helpless, so hopeless day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, doctor after doctor.

You'll find I often post pictures of sunrises, sunsets, skylines, and the ocean. It's in taking in the greatness and beauty of God's creation that I can see His sovereignty, his goodness, and the beauty of even the most painful trails here on this earth.

While I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that root of my pain, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, that God is in control of my life, and that He will use every experience I go through for the good of His kingdom, for the good of my life, and for the good of the lives of others around me.

So this will be the beginning of me sharing my journey with you. And what better day to start than the day my sweet friend, Krissi Lloyd Holman, was born.

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