the pain of a heartbreak.

"Woke up this morning, and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak." - Ben Rector, When a Heart Breaks

Heartbreak. The first thing you probably think of when you hear "heartbreak" is most likely a breakup. But heartbreak comes in many forms... Illness. The death of a loved one. Even the death of a dream.

Heartbreaks. This world is full of them.

This week has been a long one, a heavy one, for me. Among other things, I found out a friend of mine from college took his own life. And then shortly after that I was told that a friend from high school had taken his life just a few days before that. Needless to say, this news brought up a lot of emotion, but specifically brought up a lot of emotion in regards to some significant losses I have faced in my life.

Do you ever feel as if heartbreak is somehow surrounding you? Like Satan is trying to weight down your heart so much that you begin to lose hope and think, "there's just too much pain in the world. It's hopeless here."
It's hard to not be overwhelmed by the pain, loss, and heartbreaks of this world. It's hard not to let those thoughts creep in...

But that's the lie Satan wants us to believe. If we start thinking that way, well, then Satan has got us right where he wants us - focusing on the darkness instead of the light.

But Christ came to be the light in this world of darkness...

"No shadow comes without the light making it's way." - Steven Curtis Chapman, You Never Let Go

God will never leave or forsake us - no matter how dire the circumstances.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I am reading through the book of Job right now, and talk about dire circumstances. This man Job was an amazing man of God, an upright citizen, a truly righteous soul. Yet God allowed Satan to tear him down - physically and emotionally - to see if Job would stand firm in his faith.

Job experienced many heartbreaks. The loss of all of his material possessions. The loss of his health. The loss of his entire family. He didn't "deserve" those trials. He didn't "need" to experience such heartbreaks so that he would seek God. He was already seeking God.

But there's so much more to it than that. There's so much more to it than us. Thankfully, in this life we don't get what we deserve. Sometimes that doesn't seem fair, but if we have two alternatives, I'll take the grace every time.

There's a quote I love that says, "Be kind. For you never know the battles someone is facing."

This week I was talking with some actors I didn't even really know when one of them asked me how my week was. And instead of giving the typical, superficial, "My week's been great! What about you?" I actually "got real" and opened up about how heavy my week was.

And you know what happened? It opened up this amazing, deep conversation, pulling in other actors as we talked - about pain, depression, faith, and heartbreak. I learned some things about these people I never would have expected.

You never know the battles someone is facing until you ask. Others will never know that battles you are facing until you open up. And you never know... maybe the pain you have experienced is so that you can help others. Maybe the heartbreaks of your life will be of encouragement to someone else who may be going through something similar.

People in this world - strangers you pass, acquaintances you meet - are going through some very real stuff. I think it's time we start getting real with each other. I think it's time we start opening up. I think it's time we stop being superficial and start being intentional.

As believers, we have the opportunity to take the heartbreaks we have experienced, the dark places of our lives and share them with others. We have the opportunity to empathize with others and say, "Yes. I know you feel. I have been there." And then we have the opportunity to share the hope that we have in Christ.

I read a quote from a Christian author - though I can't remember who it was, I will never forget it. It was this:

"Your greatest battles will become your greatest ministry."

(Sidenote: Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying the only reason we experience heartbreak is so that we can help others. I think God is always working in our own lives to shape us, mold us, make us more like him. I'm just saying that instead of keeping all our pain bottled up inside ourselves, instead of being "me-centric," if we become more "Christ-centric" and, in turn, become more "others-centric" we can help spread compassion, support, healing, and love.)

My prayer for myself, for you, for this world is this: that the heartbreaks we face on this earth would provide us with a beautiful opportunity to rely on Christ in a whole new way, to draw us nearer to Him than ever before, to knit our spirits together with His as he carries us through...

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." - 2 Corinthians 1:9

There's a lot of pain in this world. But take heart. For Christ has overcome it all.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

No matter what you are going through. No matter how alone you feel. No matter how much your heart is breaking... You are not alone. There are others who can relate to what you are going through. There are professionals who are equipped to help you. And there's the God of the universe who placed each star in the sky, who knows every hair on your head, and who wants to use your life in greater ways that you could ever dream up for yourself.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  - Isaiah 40:31

Ben Rector's song continues on with the following lyrics:

"This isn't easy. This isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus till you're here." 

The truth is, we all need Jesus. All the time. Even when all is well in our lives. But regardless of when we decide we need Him, regardless of when we choose to seek him, He is there, waiting for us always... to be our light in the darkness, to mend our broken hearts.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." - Psalm 147:3

a decade of pain

I haven't yet posted about this journey that I have been on over the past six months. It's a very personal journey, but I feel it's one worth sharing.

Ten years ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer. Just weeks before we graduated from high school. Just weeks after her eighteenth birthday. I was devastated.

Krissi was truly one of the most incredible people I have ever known. Her strength throughout her four year battle with cancer was inspiring. Her positive attitude, never once complaining, is one to which I aspire.

Despite the intense pain and utter heartbreak of losing a best friend at such a young age, I saw God work in some amazing ways. Krissi relied on her savior, Jesus Christ, for peace. And that peace she had was so evident and so contagious to all those around her that Krissi was bringing people to Christ just days before she passed away.

I watched her take her last breath.

I don't wish that on anyone. But as horrific as it was, I was able to see a child of God pass from this earth to the hands of her heavenly Father. From death to life. Eternal life with Christ. In heaven where she would experience no more pain, no more suffering, no more heartache.

Yet I was left with heartache. And with no way to deal with it.

I repressed all my emotions. Life had to go on, right? We had to graduate and go on to college. What was the point of sitting around crying about it, right?

Wrong. So very wrong.

Did you know that when you cry about something there are chemicals released in your body that allow you to begin to heal? Well, I bottled all my intense emotion, grief, and heartache... and they had no way to escape.

Until they did. Through some very serious back pain.

For the past ten years - the past decade - I have experienced an intense pain in one specific spot on the left, middle side of my back. It began shortly after I arrived at the University of Texas for my freshman year of college. I will never forget the pain becoming so intense late one night that I called my parents, tears streaming down my cheeks, not knowing what to do. And they seriously contemplated flying me home.

my view of the UT Tower from my window of the Pi Phi house

The pain wasn't always so intense. Some days worse than others. Some hours better than the next.

But it would always return. A constant nagging. I never knew when it would come or when it would go... just knew it always would.

Throughout those years I saw dozens of doctors and specialists. I tried chiropractic treatments, acupuncture, physical therapy, spinal decompression, got X-Rays, MRIs, had blood drawn. You name it, I tried it.

And nothing. The pain persisted. 

Until one glorious day when I found myself halfway across the country, living in LA, pursuing my passion of acting. A friend of mine told me about a holistic doctor she was seeing for some shoulder pain she was having. She mentioned something about how her pain was emotional and this doctor was a genius.

I wasn't really sure exactly what she meant by that... Her pain was emotional? All I knew is that she seemed really enthusiastic about him, he seemed to have helped her immensely, and I had seemed to try everything else I could possibly think of.

Bottom line, I was at my wits end. I would honestly try anything.

So I made a phone call and went to my first appointment with Dr. George Byrnes that truly changed my life. Before the appointment I filled out more paperwork with more questions than I can remember. I answered the usual questions about my medical history and my physical pain, in great detail.

But then there were some questions that struck me as odd. They were questions about my emotion pain. Huh.

The dozens of doctors I had seen had only ever cared to know about any physical trauma I had experienced. They never cared to know about any emotional trauma I had experienced.

When Dr. Byrnes asked me to tell him about what I went through ten years ago, my reaction shocked me. My throat knotted up. My eyes welled with tears. I literally couldn't speak.

All I could do was sob.

And that's when Dr. Byrnes told me that my pain was not physical. It was emotional.

And then he told me something that no other doctor had ever told me. Five little words:

"There is hope for you."

And then five more:

"You will live pain free."

No sooner than those ten words left his lips did I begin to cry a different kind of tears - tears of gratitude, of relief, of hope. Yet sadly, to my core, I didn't believe him. 

I wanted to so badly. But I mentally and physically couldn't. It makes me think of those lyrics from that song Light the Fire, "My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak." My body chemistry was at a place that because I had experience such intense pain for so long - more than a third of my life to be exact - that my brain truly couldn't believe that I could ever live without the pain.

But Dr. Byrnes confidently told me that I would. It would take some time. But I would be pain free. One day. And that was all I needed to begin my journey of healing.

And I am so beyond thrilled to say that today I am almost 100% pain free. It has been a long road to recovery. And not an easy one. It's one I plan to write more about as I process through it all. I have learned so much about pain, emotions, stress and anxiety that I could fill the pages of a book. And I still have so much to learn.

It has been a truly incredible journey - a journey I want to share, a journey I'm finally ready to share, a journey I hope will help others on their own road to finding healing - both physically and emotionally.

I think back to the darkest days of my incessant, nagging pain. I felt so lost, so helpless, so hopeless day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, doctor after doctor.

You'll find I often post pictures of sunrises, sunsets, skylines, and the ocean. It's in taking in the greatness and beauty of God's creation that I can see His sovereignty, his goodness, and the beauty of even the most painful trails here on this earth.

While I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that root of my pain, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, that God is in control of my life, and that He will use every experience I go through for the good of His kingdom, for the good of my life, and for the good of the lives of others around me.

So this will be the beginning of me sharing my journey with you. And what better day to start than the day my sweet friend, Krissi Lloyd Holman, was born.

.......

If you liked this post, you may enjoy: it's not about me

it's not about me

Today is Krissi’s birthday. She would have been 27. I think about her life, and I wonder what she would be doing now, who she would be, where she would live. I wonder if she would still have that same infectious laugh, if we would still be quoting those same lines from Friends.

Then I think about my life. Am I where I thought I would be at 27? That’s a firm "no." When I was 18, I never would have thought I'd be an actress in LA. Man, how cool is that? Even on my worst day here, I need to be so thankful that I am here pursuing this amazing thing, that I am fortunate enough to be able to be on this incredible journey.

My dad always says, 

“Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” 

We don’t know when our time on this earth will end. If we are constantly living for tomorrow, then what are we doing? Tomorrow may never come. We have today. We wake up each day with the opportunity to spread some light, to make a difference.

That’s what Krissi did. She made the most of the relationships she had. She knew she wasn’t guaranteed another year, another month, another day even. She took every opportunity to witness to the people God had put in her life. She made a difference where she was planted.

We don’t have to go to Africa, to the ends of the earth, to make a difference. There are so many opportunities all around us if we will just be present. 

“Be very careful, then, how you live… making the most of every opportunity.” - Ephesians 5:15-16

It's not about us. It’s about God. It's about His plan. 

I am so selfish sometimes asking God for things. I never hesitate to tell Him what I want... How many times have I gone to bed at night without thanking Him for all the blessings He has given me? Too many.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe God has you right where He wants you? Not for your own benefit, but for His? 

Maybe you aren’t married yet, maybe you don’t have a baby yet, maybe you haven’t booked that dream role or gotten that promotion... not because God is punishing you or you have done something wrong. But because right where you are in this moment is where you need to be in order to make the most difference for His kingdom. 

Maybe our "light and momentary struggles" really are achieving for Him an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4:17). 

When I was burying one of my dearest friends just days after her eighteenth birthday, just days before we would walk across that stage in our cap and gown, I was heartbroken. I still am. 

I think about how I had to grow up too fast. But then I think about how it’s not about me. 

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If you liked this post you may enjoy: a decade of pain