starving myself

I was driving home the other night and a lyric of a song brought a sudden and unexpected flood of tears to my eyes.

“The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.”

I immediately thought of how I am hungry – not for actual food, but hungry for so many other things in life. And how at times I am guilty of trying to steal – not actually stealing, but stealing in a sense of trying to take before the Lord gives.

As I continued to listen more closely, I was both convicted and encouraged. This song - Times, by Tenth Avenue North - goes on to list all the “times” when we may doubt God’s love for us:

           

            The times that you doubt me, when you can’t feel

            The times that you question, is this for real

            The times you’re broken

            The times that you mend

            The times you hate me

            The times that you bend

            The times when you’re healing, and when your heart breaks

            The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace

            The times you’re hurting

            The times that you heal

            The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

            In times of confusion, in chaos and pain

How guilty I am of doubting God’s love for me in such “times.”

How guilty I am of attempting to steal that which God already has in store for me, the plans which He already has laid out for me, the blessings which He is already planning on bestowing upon me.

In Genesis 25 Esau sold his inheritance as the firstborn son to his brother Jacob… for a meal. Philip Yancey and Tim Stafford put it this way:

            “[He let] his hunger overwhelm his concern for things of last value.”

Are we so focused on our hunger for the things of this world that we are starving ourselves from the things of the Lord?

Yesterday I was feeling so overwhelmed by this career as an actress and writer…. so fragmented in my efforts to succeed, so discouraged by putting my heart and soul into characters whom I’ll never get to truly bring to life. Just exhausted by it all.

I left all my work – auditions to prep for, emails to answer, junk to organize – and went for a run so I could hear from the Lord. And faithful as always, He filled my starving soul with the provision of His truths. This verse popped into my head:

“When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” – James 4:3

Ouch. But so true.

I say I only want success to help make the Lord’s name more famous, to be a light in this city and world full of darkness, to serve Christ more fully… yet why am I so anxious?

If I get to the root of the matter, if I’m truly examining my heart in these “times,” I doubt God’s love and that He wants great things for my life. And I see that the things I want for my life are not always coming from a place of wanting to serve and bless the Lord but to serve and bless myself.

The truth is God is using me. Every day. It may not look exactly how I want it to look. But it looks exactly how He wants it to look. He is all powerful. He put the stars in the sky. He has me right where He wants me.

The lyrics go on to tell us exactly what the Lord wants us to know, if we will seek Him above our earthly desires, if we will listen closely to His loving voice:

            I hear you say, ‘My love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside it’s in between.

            I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

            I’m there in the storm

            My love I will keep you by my power alone

            I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where you have been

            I’ll never forsake you

My love never ends.

It never ends.’”

So when we doubt we are being used, when we are so full of longing, when we are so hungry that we’re tempted to steal, let’s remember God’s love for us, let’s trust in His provision, and let’s wait on His timing.

Whatever “times” we are going through, let’s listen closely. For when we do, we just might hear our sweet Savior say:

            “‘My love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between.’”

We don’t need to starve ourselves. We have a loving and gracious Father who is waiting faithfully to fill us up with His love.

the gift of the present

I don't know about you, but I have trouble being present... often.

I am so tempted to look to the future, to dwell on what will happen, to obsess over what is yet to come.

I think part of it might be because I'm so ambitious - which is never a bad thing. The Lord wants us to succeed, to do good works, to prosper - but as with all things in life, we must find a balance.

A balance between today and tomorrow. A balance between our present and our future.

One of my favorite bands, Needtobreathe, has the greatest opening line in one of their songs. When I first heard it, I froze. So simple. Yet so profound...

"Ain't no gift like the present tense." 

my sweet nephew helping me open a birthday gift a couple of years ago. he is five-years-old now and growing up way too fast. I definitely need to embrace each "today" I have with him.

In life - in this life, especially in our culture today - we are constantly bombarded with messages of "more": do more, buy more, more more more. We are bombarded with social media: tweet more, instagram more, post more more more.

Not to mention the comparative nature of it all... "Look at that perfect dinner they cooked! I'm eating a can of beans..."

I don't know about you, but there's nothing like social media to make me feel like an epic "Martha Stewart fail." (If you haven't looked up #pinterestfail, you should should definitely take a peek if you're in for a good laugh.)

With all this comparison, it's easy to constantly feel as if we are failing, that we aren't doing enough, that we need to do more!! Thus we obsesses over the future and what we want to accomplish. It's exhausting.

In my career as an actor, it's easy to compare - to see the jobs everyone else is booking and feel as if I am somehow wasting my life away. It's easy to dwell on the future - the next audition, the next job, the next line on my resume. It's all too easy to focus so much on the things I want tomorrow, instead of the things I have today.

But then those words from Needtobreathe linger in my ear... Ain't no gift like the present tense... and I am so convicted.

I love this sweet gift my nephew made in school last year... not quite sure how a gift to Jesus is telling Him you want Him to give your little brother gifts, but it's sweet and selfless nonetheless! :)

Soon enough today will be gone. Today is tomorrow's yesterday...

Will I look back tomorrow and realize that today took away the joy of yesterday? And that the joy of today is being taken by tomorrow?

Let's accept the gift that is so graciously bestowed upon us when the sun rises each morning. Let's embrace the gift of each day by knowing that our labor is not in vain, by knowing that God is in control of our lives, and by knowing He will reward us for fighting the good fight - our own fight that is ours, ours alone, and is not to be compared to anyone else's.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised… But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” – Hebrews 10:35-36, 39

Let's make the most of one of the greatest gifts of all... the gift that is the present.

the songs I sing

I was sitting at Shredtown ranch over Thanksgiving, enjoying my last few minutes before I had to head back to the Dallas. So, I grabbed my guitar and started playing through the songs I've written.

About halfway through my mom quietly ventured out onto the back porch to join me, just listening. When I was finished, she offered some encouraging words.

And as we chatted about future possibilities, I soaked up the beauty around me... The trees all around, the midday sun shining, fall leaves floating gracefully to the ground. And, of course, the Christmas greenery hanging on the mantle of the outdoor fireplace. 

Christmastime makes me happy. Shredtown ranch makes me happy. Christmastime at Shredtown ranch? Well, that's just perfection. 

I don't know about you and your family though, but as for me and mine, sometimes the holidays can get hectic... and sometimes "perfection" is just about the last descriptive adjective on the mind.

I'm back in LA now, and I was listening to this song by Needtobreathe this morning. I ventured outside to take a refreshing walk after being cooped up inside with a cold for the last three days.

It's amazing the appreciation you have for the simplest of things when you've been sick. I thought about the privilege of just being able to take a walk as the sun is rising over the palm trees. 

I thought about the privilege we have of freedom. And the privilege we have of words. And of songs. And of singing. And of glorifying God in all we do each moment of our day.

In their song Garden, Needtobreathe sings so beautifully:

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you; let the words I say profess my love. Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune, and Father let my heart be after you."  

This Christmas season, let's try to slow down, let's remember the true meaning of Christmas - the reason we are bustling about, baking, and buying gifts - the privilege of receiving the gift that is Jesus Christ and the privilege of being able to worship Him.

And let's watch our words. Let's embrace the privilege we have to build others up with them. 

"Words can build us up. Words can tear us down. Start a fire in our hearts, or put it out... Let my words be life. Let my words be truth." - Hawk Nelson, Words

Instead of getting overwhelmed by "first world problems" this Christmas season, what if, instead, we kept things into perspective? What if we all encouraged one another, lent one another a hand, and offered a kind word - to strangers and our mothers alike. 

Because we have much to be grateful for, we have much to sing about, and much reason to love... 

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 

"So teach my song to rise to You..." - Matt Maher, Lord, I Need You

the pain of a heartbreak.

"Woke up this morning, and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak." - Ben Rector, When a Heart Breaks

Heartbreak. The first thing you probably think of when you hear "heartbreak" is most likely a breakup. But heartbreak comes in many forms... Illness. The death of a loved one. Even the death of a dream.

Heartbreaks. This world is full of them.

This week has been a long one, a heavy one, for me. Among other things, I found out a friend of mine from college took his own life. And then shortly after that I was told that a friend from high school had taken his life just a few days before that. Needless to say, this news brought up a lot of emotion, but specifically brought up a lot of emotion in regards to some significant losses I have faced in my life.

Do you ever feel as if heartbreak is somehow surrounding you? Like Satan is trying to weight down your heart so much that you begin to lose hope and think, "there's just too much pain in the world. It's hopeless here."
It's hard to not be overwhelmed by the pain, loss, and heartbreaks of this world. It's hard not to let those thoughts creep in...

But that's the lie Satan wants us to believe. If we start thinking that way, well, then Satan has got us right where he wants us - focusing on the darkness instead of the light.

But Christ came to be the light in this world of darkness...

"No shadow comes without the light making it's way." - Steven Curtis Chapman, You Never Let Go

God will never leave or forsake us - no matter how dire the circumstances.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I am reading through the book of Job right now, and talk about dire circumstances. This man Job was an amazing man of God, an upright citizen, a truly righteous soul. Yet God allowed Satan to tear him down - physically and emotionally - to see if Job would stand firm in his faith.

Job experienced many heartbreaks. The loss of all of his material possessions. The loss of his health. The loss of his entire family. He didn't "deserve" those trials. He didn't "need" to experience such heartbreaks so that he would seek God. He was already seeking God.

But there's so much more to it than that. There's so much more to it than us. Thankfully, in this life we don't get what we deserve. Sometimes that doesn't seem fair, but if we have two alternatives, I'll take the grace every time.

There's a quote I love that says, "Be kind. For you never know the battles someone is facing."

This week I was talking with some actors I didn't even really know when one of them asked me how my week was. And instead of giving the typical, superficial, "My week's been great! What about you?" I actually "got real" and opened up about how heavy my week was.

And you know what happened? It opened up this amazing, deep conversation, pulling in other actors as we talked - about pain, depression, faith, and heartbreak. I learned some things about these people I never would have expected.

You never know the battles someone is facing until you ask. Others will never know that battles you are facing until you open up. And you never know... maybe the pain you have experienced is so that you can help others. Maybe the heartbreaks of your life will be of encouragement to someone else who may be going through something similar.

People in this world - strangers you pass, acquaintances you meet - are going through some very real stuff. I think it's time we start getting real with each other. I think it's time we start opening up. I think it's time we stop being superficial and start being intentional.

As believers, we have the opportunity to take the heartbreaks we have experienced, the dark places of our lives and share them with others. We have the opportunity to empathize with others and say, "Yes. I know you feel. I have been there." And then we have the opportunity to share the hope that we have in Christ.

I read a quote from a Christian author - though I can't remember who it was, I will never forget it. It was this:

"Your greatest battles will become your greatest ministry."

(Sidenote: Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying the only reason we experience heartbreak is so that we can help others. I think God is always working in our own lives to shape us, mold us, make us more like him. I'm just saying that instead of keeping all our pain bottled up inside ourselves, instead of being "me-centric," if we become more "Christ-centric" and, in turn, become more "others-centric" we can help spread compassion, support, healing, and love.)

My prayer for myself, for you, for this world is this: that the heartbreaks we face on this earth would provide us with a beautiful opportunity to rely on Christ in a whole new way, to draw us nearer to Him than ever before, to knit our spirits together with His as he carries us through...

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." - 2 Corinthians 1:9

There's a lot of pain in this world. But take heart. For Christ has overcome it all.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

No matter what you are going through. No matter how alone you feel. No matter how much your heart is breaking... You are not alone. There are others who can relate to what you are going through. There are professionals who are equipped to help you. And there's the God of the universe who placed each star in the sky, who knows every hair on your head, and who wants to use your life in greater ways that you could ever dream up for yourself.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  - Isaiah 40:31

Ben Rector's song continues on with the following lyrics:

"This isn't easy. This isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus till you're here." 

The truth is, we all need Jesus. All the time. Even when all is well in our lives. But regardless of when we decide we need Him, regardless of when we choose to seek him, He is there, waiting for us always... to be our light in the darkness, to mend our broken hearts.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." - Psalm 147:3

when nothing is certain, everything is possible

The future isn't always so clear in life. There are times of great uncertainty... Which way should I go? Which job should I take? Should I move here? Should I serve there?

There's a quote I love that apparently multiple people claim to have said first. And I don't blame them. It's profound and inspiring:

"When nothing is certain, everything is possible."

I snapped this photo the other day while riding my bike at the beach, but it wasn't until I got home that I saw this bird soaring through the frame. Free to roam. Free to soar. No set direction or agenda. Endless possibilities. Endless opportunities.

What a great, positive outlook to have. Instead of looking at our future with anxiety, let the uncertainty be an inspiration to us, a sense of overwhelming opportunity ahead, a great unknown.

See, the Lord has is all planned out. We just have to seek his face and take it one step at a time. He will reveal the path to us, his purpose for us. Just not all at once.

I know, I know. It's easier said than done. Tom Petty sings about it...

"the waiting is the hardest part." 

The in between times are the worst. I've been there, literally crying out to the Lord, "Okay, God. I'm here. I'm waiting. I'm listening. I will do whatever you tell me to do, I will go wherever you lead me to go. Just show up." 

And then He does.

And somehow I'm always shocked. But nevertheless He is faithful. He shows up. He leads me. He guides me. One foot in front of the other...

One stretch of open space into the next.

Paul was one of the most dynamic, passionate, risk-taking preachers in the New Testament. He used to persecute Christians, until one day on the road to Damascus, the Lord appeared to Him and he experienced a dramatic conversion, an overwhelming passion to turn from his ways and live his life for the Lord.

He devoted his life to doing so. But the following excerpt from my Bible in Romans really stood out to me, especially at this time in my life:

"Some years passed, though, before Paul found his role."

Huh. So even Paul experienced an in between time, a time when he was trying to find his specific role, his exact purpose, the steps he needed to take in order to make the most of his life and serve the Lord the most completely.

I can relate to that. Knowing that my ultimate goal is to be a light for the Lord. Knowing that I want to do so with the gifts He's given me. But not quite "finding my role" yet.

But then I am reminded, and comforted, by those oh-so-wise words...

"When nothing is certain, everything is possible."

I'm standing at the edge of endless possibilities. One of which is this. I hope to turn this possibility into reality. Endless opportunities await...

jersey boys

I saw a screening of Jersey Boys last night. It was amazing.

I have a special place in my heart for all of those songs as I grew up listening to my dad sing them around the house and play them for me as well.

I connect with music so deeply. And this story of how these four guys came together and created this amazing music is so interesting... full of amazing, incredible moments but also so full of hardship and pain.

As I was sitting there in the movie I thought, "There really is a price to fame."

Something has to be accounted for, something will be neglected, when you are that famous and that successful, when you are doing something with your life that is that demanding and time-consuming.

In Franki Valli's case, the price was his family. It unraveled.

Franki had a special connection with one of his daughters in particular, Francine. There is this moment in the film when Francine has run away (I think she's about 15 years old), and Franki flies halfway across the country and ends up finding her in the city. They sit at a diner and she doesn't say a word, but her reactions reveal everything she is thinking.

Franki just talks to her... She wants to become a singer. She has an amazing voice. But she is potentially going down the wrong path, rebelling and getting into trouble. Franki tells her that he knows what it feels like... And then he said something that stuck with me so clearly. He said:

"You feel like you have this great gift you want to share with the world. But you feel like no one cares."

Those words resonated in my mind long after I had left the theater, long after I had driven home amidst the flashing lights on Sunset, long after I had made it into my bed. As those words played on loop in my mind, I became increasingly overwhelmed with emotion.

That is exactly how I feel.

penny and sparrow.

I love music. It has been such an influential part of my life since I was young. I am always listening to music. I have a playlist for every mood. So I am constantly trying to find new bands I love. 

And I have just discovered a great one. 

The coolest thing about this band is I happen to know them. (Well, that's actually not the coolest thing, because they are way cooler than I am, but it's cool to me nonetheless.) These two awesome guys also went to UT and were Young Life Leaders.

They are Kyle Jahnke and Andy Baxter. And together they are...

Penny and Sparrow.

A week ago, their amazing and supportive wives, Becca and Sarah, quit their jobs. After selling and giving away the shocking majority of their belongings and leaving behind the comfort and stability of the lives they once knew, the four of them set out on their first tour across the country. 

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

I was lucky enough to catch these guys perform in LA at the Hotel Cafe.

I was trying to think of how to describe their music. The bio on their website helped me out:

Penny and Sparrow are Andy Baxter and Kyle Jahnke, form the heart of Texas. Previously roommates, the duo makes music influenced by The Swell Season, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, and others. They also love musicals.

Love that tidbit at the end. These guys definitely have a great sense of humor. The words that come to mind to describe their music are folky, deep yet uplifting, and serious yet ironic. They have a truly unique sound, and dare I say the voices of angels?

Speaking of angels, both of these guys are strong believers and want to reach people through their music to come to know the Lord. They ended their set with the most beautiful acoustic version of Come Thou Fount I have ever heard. And there, in the middle of Hollywood, the walls of the Hotel Cafe echoed with the voices of dozens of fans singing along with those words:

"Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood... prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above." 

Needless to say, I bought both of the CDs they were selling at their show. (And a t-shirt - they are very soft.) You, too, can purchase their music at pennyandsparrow.com. But if you want a t-shirt, you'll have to check out their tour dates and do yourself the grand favor of having Kyle and Andy serenade you live.

the secret of life

August 27 marked my "three year anniversary" of living in LA. I've been thinking about this journey I have been on out here - the things I have accomplished, the things towards which I am still working, and the things I have discovered that I never would have expected.

When I decided to move to LA, I had only ever been here once before. Besides sunshine, palm trees, and traffic, I really had no idea what to expect.

stopping to smell the roses on my first day in LA... in the rental car parking lot at LAX.

Sometimes I still can't believe I actually did it. So much unknown. I left my comfort zone completely - my family, my friends, my entire life I had known in Dallas - to throw myself into an overcrowded city full of people trying to "make it big." (And where apparently when a light turns red, that means at least three cars turn left.)

But as scary as the unknown can be, the excitement of it, especially in a town with as many opportunities as this one, prevailed. Each day here arrives full of endless opportunity.

Are those opportunities easy to grasp? No. It takes hard work, endless perseverance.

...when you're making other plans

It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and then this is your life. 

I'll never forget my senior year of college, I was sitting in my tiny bed in my even tinier room - or "shoebox" as we liked to call it - at the sorority house. I opened up my laptop and saw an email from my dad. Attached was a song by Trace Adkins called "You're Gonna Miss This." The lyrics go a little something like this:

You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know this now, but you're gonna miss this.

I was so ready to graduate from college and get on with my life. I was tired of the parties. I was tired of the cliques. I was just tired.

Pi Phi Dad's weekend. Pretty sure this might be the only time my dad or I have ever golfed. Please don't judge my outfit ;)

I am so thankful for this reminder from my dad because looking back now, I do miss that stage of life. Not that I want to go back to college, but it really was a sweet time. And I realize now that the next stage of life will come soon enough. So why not enjoy the stage of life I am in now?

what the piano has taught me about acting

I fell in love with the piano from the first lesson I ever took at seven years old. My mom told me I loved it so much that I would come home and immediately learn to play every single song my teacher had given me to practice throughout the week.

Who needed six more days when I had today? I couldn't wait. I was hooked.

How great to embrace everything in my life like that. Why wait for tomorrow when you have today? I love this quote by Jerry Rice:

"Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can't."