what a difference a day makes

I don’t journal much. About three or four times a year when I’m really going through something. Or whenever I’m doing emotional prep for a role. Last night I was prepping for an audition I have next week, and I saw that the last time I wrote in my journal was on December 2. Here’s a condensed version:

I just saw Perks of Being a Wallflower and it was profound… There was a Q&A with the author of the book and film, and he said something in regards to the tunnel in the film – He said when they filmed it and when he watches it and when he was there, it was like this moment when you can see your dreams coming true, the future, the hope... 

I just can’t imagine not acting. I want to feel, I want to create. I want to tell stories, make people feel alive... It’s just so hard here in LA when I feel like this is what I was created to do, but it’s not happening. And I can’t control it. And I don’t know what to do… 

If God has something better for me, I just wish He would go ahead and show me. I know His plan is perfect, I just don’t get it in this moment… I feel a little bit lost. A little bit helpless. If there’s anything I hate, it’s feeling helpless. I like to do. I like to take action. But I guess I just have to let go.

And let go I did…

At that time I hadn’t had an audition in about two months, which is a scary thing as an actor. You never know when you will get another, if ever. An even scarier thought. But there was something so restorative about being home for Christmas. With the help of talking through some things with my parents, I flew back to LA on January 5 with a renewed sense of peace… about acting, and life in general.

Well just two days later I booked my first ever TV role on an episode of Criminal Minds. When I got the news, I literally jumped in the air. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. I was standing outside a friend’s apartment building. The sun had set. It was dark and cold and no one was around. And I literally jumped for joy. Let’s just say now I know where they get that term – it was like an involuntary bodily response.

I don’t think this is my “big break” by any means. But for me this role is a symbol of hope. A sense of direction. A reassurance that I am right where I am supposed to be.

In December I had also written a quote on my bathroom mirror from a devotional I had read by Gary Thomas that says, “Don’t give up. If God is calling you to do this, it will happen.” We’re not guaranteed it will be easy. We’re not guaranteed it will come quickly. We’re not guaranteed it will look exactly like we would like it to. But we stay the course.

U2 sings, “What a difference a day makes.” And on January 7, 2013 I felt that firsthand. All it takes is one day. The question is, will we give up before that day comes… or will we persist through the darkness, through the dry spells, through the unknown with faith and trust and hope?