daring to suck

So last week I saw a breakdown that had just been released for a film that had several roles in it that were perfect for me. I've done a lot of workshops in my day, so I checked to see if I had met the casting director. I hadn't. So I decided to see if she was doing any workshops at the Actor's Key (where I have some money in my account from last year) any time soon, and lo and behold, she was doing one at that night! 

Normally the Actor's Key is booked weeks in advance, but they just so happened to have a spot open so I signed up on the spot! I had done a scene at a workshop there that was a great dramatic scene, so I decided to do that one. I had an audition at 2:00 that afternoon, so I had to focus on that first. I was feeling unprepared and disconnected with the material and doubting my decision to even go to the workshop. But I just sat down for 20 minutes before it started and thought very specifically about my relationship with my father (who is mentioned in the scene) and my stepfather, picked some very clear images for everything being discussed, and a specific moment before. I put all my focus on the reader instead of focusing on my lines, and just let thoughts happen. 

(Those of you who study with Lesly Kahn know what I mean when I say "thoughts." For those of you who don't, it's being so totally in the moment as the character that you are reacting to what the other person says, having thoughts that this character would have about whatever was just said or done.) 

The last time I had done that scene in a workshop I had totally steered the direction of it: stood up where it said to stand up, knew where I was going to get louder, etc. This time I didn't follow stage direction. I sorta felt like I wasn't really doing much of anything. Except tears were streaming down my face by the end of it. I just decided to let whatever happens, happen in the moment. I dared to suck! And it WORKED!

Towards the very end of my read, I could see the casting director nodding her head, and right when the scene ended, she said, "Phenomenal." Well, considering she had been keeping all the other actors before me in there for 15 minutes, I figured surely she would give me some direction and have me do it again. She said, "Instant callback." Still thinking she's going to give me some redirection... Nope. She said, "I wrote down my e-mail on your evaluation sheet. Have your agent or manager e-mail me tomorrow. I want you to read for one of the leads in this film I'm casting. Seriously great work. I am so glad to be meeting you." Then she looked at the reader, and was like, "Now, have I been saying that to anyone else?" And the reader was like, "Hah. No." Wow. 

I'm not writing this to brag about how brilliant I was. I have a long, long way to go and a whole heck of a lot more to learn. This was merely a breakthrough moment for me that I wanted to share. I remember one time Lesly asked us, "How often in your acting do you have completely 100% organic, connected, brilliant, in the moment moments?" or something along those lines. And pretty much everyone was like, "Maybe 5% of the time." 

Well this was one of those rare moments which I hope become not so rare. I am a control freak. I love to control everything. I like to be perfectly memorized, well planned out, blah blah blah... And Lesly usually tells me I did a fine, polished read. But she doesn't usually say it was phenomenal. 

I am starting to realize that maybe the less I try to control my acting, the better it will be. I'm not going to get anywhere in this town with a fine read. I have to be phenomenal. Every. Time.

‘No matter what, it has to be real, because the camera will always see if you’re not thinking thoughts. You can be on stage thinking about tea and crumpets and it doesn’t matter, but the camera notices when you’ve checked out. The camera can see into your soul.” – Al Pacino